


Rules of dating

by imera



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adults, Age Difference, Blind Date, Divorce, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-03-16 01:08:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3468782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imera/pseuds/imera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She doesn’t need to date, but that won’t stop Draco from setting her up with a young boytoy of his choice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rules of dating

**Author's Note:**

  * For [teenage_hustler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/teenage_hustler/gifts).



> This was written for the dramione_duet for teenage_hustler @ LJ
> 
> This is also one of my few attempts to write something funny

Hermione sat in the small french cafè with hewr lukewarm coffee, waiting for her partner to show up. Faint music playing in the background, calming music as she read the files in front of her. Her partner was half an hour late, but she refused to allow herself to get worked up over his usual annoying behaviour.

The young waiter asked her if there was anything else she required, and feeling slightly bad for having ordered nothing, she asked for a bagel and another coffee.

Barely a minute after he left someone slammed a book on her table, startling her. “What the,” she said as she looked up at the one responsible, it was Draco. “You’re late, and then you try to frighten me to death?” Although they had quite different personalities, they proved time after time that together, they were able to solve cases, push new laws through the ministry, and still be friends by the end of the day.

“You must be old, if you think it’s proper to make old people jokes about yourself.”

“And you’re clearly a child, who hasn’t even learned the proper time yet,” she snapped back, hating him for always trying to scare her.

“Is that any way to talk about your partner? For your information, I was out yesterday, all night long, with this young girl who thought I looked like some famous muggle man.” Hermione rolled her eyes, preparing herself for another one of his amazing past bedtime adventure stories. “She goes to dance school, and let me tell you, some of the moves she did, magnificent.”

“That’s enough, I don’t want to hear your sexual stories, especially not with someone half your age.”

“Hey, I’m only living my life.”

They had both passed forty --or more correctly, they were dangerously close to fifty-- and were both alone after both having gone through their own divorces, Draco’s being far more brutal than Hermione’s. When Astoria decided to leave Draco for another man, demanding that Draco should live with her, Hermione was there, and when she and Ron decided that even though they did care for each other, they didn’t love each other in the way they used to, Draco was there for her.

“So, we should get on this case. Apparently, Miss Asher became involved with someone we believe is quite high up in the extremist community, and she is willing to give us information if we can get her safely away from them.” Even after the Death Eaters were taken down there was still those who fought for blood purity, and even though they hadn’t attacked, the Ministry wanted them before they could cause any damage. 

“Before we discuss the case we have an even more important matter, your sex life.” Hermione rolled her eyes. “When is the last time you’ve had sex, or, when is the last time you went out on a date?”

“My dating life is none of your concern, now please pay attention to the case, we have to decide what to do.”

“You know what we’ll do, and so do I, we don’t need this meeting to decide our next action. And I agree, your dating life is none of my concern, so we should discuss your sex life instead.”

“Must I specify everything? My dating _and_ sex life is none of your concern.”

“It is when it’s affecting your mood, clearly you need a man, and you need him bad.”

“Please concentrate,” Hermione begged, not wanting to discuss anything to do with her private sex life.

“I am concentrating. Clearly, I can’t ask any of my friends to have sex with you, as most are still married, and others are not into bossy girls.”

“Oh, so because I’m bossy in my daily work I’m bossy in bed, is that what you’re saying? So you must be an egotistical prat in bed.”

“Don’t attack me, I’m not the one staying in all night, afraid to try out a new boy toy.” She rolled her eyes, knowing that arguing would get her nowhere, so she closed her mouth and let him talk for a minute. It was the same old, telling her she wasn’t getting any younger, telling her how her life was simply passing her by, and how she was the right age for those boys who needed a sugar mama, a term he learned from all the muggle girls he dated.

Hermione was shocked the first time he took the trip out of the magic world, as he had never been with anyone not pure blooded. It didn’t take long before the shock turned into annoyance as he admitted the only reason he went out to the muggle nightclub was because the girls were easier, especially when he flaunted his money, and it didn’t hurt that none of them were familiar with his past, so all he had to say was that he was royalty.

“You keep talking about this as if I will die all alone. Trust me, if I feel lonely I will go out and find my own date, and it won’t be someone who is as young, or younger, than my own children.”

“Who said anything about dating? I’m talking about sex.”

“I’m perfectly fine with my own sex life as well, don’t need your dating tips or recommendations.”

“You clearly do, as you’ve not dated anyone since you and your husband split, and the last time before that was the few times in school, which can hardly be called dates. I mean, one who used you as a trophy, and another who enjoyed the silence of your company.” Hermione lived to regret telling her of the past every time he decided to bring up her lack of dates.

“And you’re clearly overcompensating and acting like a dirty old man who is afraid of relationships. The closest one to your age was seventeen years younger than you, clearly you’re afraid of dating someone the same age as you?”

“Oh, I know I’m one of those dirty old men who go after those who are young enough to be my children, but at least I’m not going after those who could be my great granddaughters, like some stories I’ve heard.” Hermione rolled her eyes, knowing perfectly well which famous man he was referring to. As he explored the muggle world after deciding it was the right place to pick up girls, he learned a few things, sadly that knowledge was limited to girls. “So, back to the one who is clearly in denial.”

“I am not.” It was ridiculous how they had switched from the case to her sex life. And she worried the only way to make him stop was to agree on a date with a stranger, who was most likely half her age.

“Stop it, we’re here because a girl needs our help, and we need information.”

“Yes, I need information, and you’re the girl who needs help, although, I’m not sure if I can call you a girl, maybe young elderly woman, that fits, don’t you think so?” She knew it was all a joke, but his rudeness still earned him a hard punch in his shoulder. “Hey, what was that for?”

“For being an ass.”

“Maybe if you tell me then I wouldn’t have to turn into an ass in order to get information.”

“I’ve told you, I’m happy, I don’t need any men, and especially not any boys..All I want to do is do my assignment, help this girl, and go home.”

“Only if you’re willing to date whomever I find for you, deal?”

“And let me guess, you won’t stop nagging before you’ve gotten your will?” Draco nodded, and Hermione sighed, then closed the folder. “Fine, one date, and then I never want to hear anything about dating again, agreed?”

“Sneaky, well, I can be sneaky as well. You also have to follow the rules of dating.”

“And what will I get in return?”

“A complimentary breakfast, I will be your secretary for the next two cases, and maybe an orgasm from the lucky boy.”

“Ten cases, and I want dinner as well.” Hermione wouldn’t argue on the last point as nothing she said would change it.

“Fine, ten cases, breakfast and dinner.” Hermione smiled, at least she would get something for going on a blind date with some random boy, who she would most likely did not find interesting. “Let’s get started, and you might pull out one of your quills for this. First of all, don’t discuss kids. When you’re on the date, you’re single, you’re young, or as young as you can be, and you’re there to have fun. You can neither discuss school, work, or whatever you call _fun_. Are you writing this down?” She rolled her eyes and pulled out her pen, which she used whenever they were in the muggle world as a quill would bring unwanted attention.

His list continued, until she wondered if there was anything she could talk about, or if she was expected to stay silent. Hermione tried to argue and say that none of his demands would successfully get the man, who according to Draco, would secure her an orgasm.

After two pages of notes, Draco was finally done. His list contained everything from what she was allowed to talk about, to what she should order, how she should behave, and even how to dress.

“Remind me why we’re partners,” Hermione said with a heavy sigh as she rolled the parchment together.

“I assume it’s because you enjoy my presence, colourful personality, as well as my charming wit.”

“No, that’s not it, we work well together and you’re good at your job, whenever you decide to concentrate. Mark my words, Malfoy...”

“Is it Malfoy now?”

“This is the last time I will ever participate in one of your games.”

“Fine fine, maybe we’ll get lucky and your date will give you an orgasm which will make you crave more, either from him or from a random bloke you meed on your trips.”

Hermione ignored his comment and continued with her request. “Just make sure he’s not younger than my own children, I don’t think I can take them serious if they are.” Draco nodded before he turned his attention to the case, acting as if nothing special happened between them a minute before.

It turned out Draco wasn’t planning to set her up the next day, or the next week, and when Hermione asked about it, Draco teased her by saying she was eagerly awaiting her orgasm.

It wasn’t until two months after their agreement first took place that he sat down next to her, grinning like a madman. “You never know what I’ve found for you.”

“What, did you find another dead mouse?” she asked, barely taking her eyes off her work.

“No,” he replied, annoyed she would even ask such a thing. “I’ve found someone for you, and he’s quite willing to give you a mindblowing orgasm.”

“I assure you, the only reason I’m going out on a date is because you won’t stop nagging me.”

“Are you saying I’m a pusher?” Hermione nodded. “Fine, I might be, but you need to be pushed, if not you’ll end up an old spinster who hates everyone.”

“I was married.”

“But you’re not any longer.”

“And your point is?”

“You need to find someone as you’re not getting any younger.”

“Age comes from within,” she said, tired of him commenting on her age.

“But nobody will date you if you look like an old bag.” Hermione stopped writing and looked up at the man, frustrated about his constant need to make her feel like she needed someone in order to fulfill her life.

“If you mention my looks again, I will stab your hand with my quill, is that understood?”

“Fine with me,” he said, not sounding too worried about her threat. “Here is all the information you’ll need, make sure you study your notes, and then I’m sure everything will be just fine.” Hermione accepted the piece of parchment offered and watched him leave her desk. The note contained a date, time and place, and he finished by being naughty by suggesting she should wear no underwear.

“In your dreams,” she told the note and folded it before she pushed it down in her pocket.

And that was how she ended up outside a fancy restaurant, her hair tied up in a fancy bun, wearing a red dress she had worn on different occasions, being as dolled up as Draco demanded. It was stupid, dressing up to go on a blind date with a stranger who she was certain would be the same age as her children. It was stupid, and pathetic, but she agreed to try it.

She didn’t know how long she was expected to wait outside the restaurant, but after thirty minutes she was certain the boy had changed his mind. She was trying to decide if she should leave or not when she saw a familiar face amongst the crowd.

Draco Malfoy was dressed in an expensive suit, his hair, which had several grey streaks through it, combed perfectly to the side. He was smiling, but it wasn't the usual mocking smile, instead it was genuine.

“What are you doing here?” Hermione asked as she walked towards him. “Are you here on a date just to see just what a fool I’m making out of myself by trying to flirt with a young boy?”

“I thought we had an agreement, so you better stick to your list of proper topics of conversation.” He then offered her his arm, which she stared at for a second before his plan became clear to her.

“Bastard,” she uttered as she discovered his devious plan, surprised she fell for it.

“I seem to remember something about treating your date with respect, so I’ll be ignoring that. Now, shall we?” She wanted to tell him just how annoying she found him right then, but changed her mind as she remembered their agreement. At least she found it easier to date him than someone as young as her children.

“Just so you know,” she started as she accepted the arm he offered. “This does not count as the complimentary dinner.”

“Then I guess the breakfast won’t count either,” he replied with a smirk before heading towards the restaurant.

“No, it won’t,” she replied smugly, annoyed that he managed to trick her, but happy over the fact that she didn’t have to pretend to be interested in a complete stranger. And if for some reason she would end up with Draco in bed it was because she found him interesting, not because he tricked her.


End file.
